I met with my therapist again last night.
One of the main topics we discussed as our time was drawing to a close was what I felt like I wanted to see and focus on in the coming year.
The last year (in particular the last few months) have been pretty challenging for me personally, as well as for my husband and family. I’d use the word transformative to describe it, because I am not the same person I was before October 2018 came around.
I hesitated to answer her. I have never been one to really spend time visualizing or thinking about the future, in particular things I’d like to see good happen for me.
I’m the practical one. I focus on what is real and what can actually happen.
And sometimes that can really hold me back from the good things in life.
You see, I’ve spent the majority of my life conforming. Doing the “right thing,” even at the expense of my own personal happiness or growth.
I’ve denied myself. And I’ve hidden my own thoughts, feelings, ideas, and beliefs about any number of issues - because it is a WHOLE lot easier to go with the flow.
It’s less painful than speaking your mind or doing something outside your comfort zone.
Being a “go with the flow” gal has allowed me to fit in, to be liked by almost everyone, and to someone that is “easy to work with and to be around”
But it has cost me, too. It means I have lived a life of self-imposed suppression for almost 37 years because I was too afraid of what it meant to truly come into my own and be myself.
I'd have rather kept everyone else happy than to finally find out who I am, what I believe/and don’t believe, what I like/and don’t like….you get the idea.
So last night, when my therapist asked me about what I hope and want to see for my coming year….I explained to her that I have kept seeing the word FREEDOM pop up here and there in the last few months.
I’m leaning into a picture where I am no longer hiding under a mask, and no longer living as a person who is suppressed.
I see myself as a woman who is going to be as open and vulnerable about the good and bad times.
I see myself no longer performing out of fear, but rather being honest about what I think, believe, and feel. I make peace that this will mean that some people will not understand me or my choices, and that I may make some people feel uncomfortable or even angry with me.
The person who existed this year a few months ago is no longer her. She is forever changed and is growing into the woman who she was always meant to be.
She is meant to be free. Not afraid of the opinions or thoughts of mankind, but rather living into the truth. Living a life of love. Being who she was intended to be.
And being okay that she doesn’t have all the answer yet…but that she is on the search for them.
I was meant to be free.