I had an epiphany last night.
I’ve been dealing with the deconstruction and rebuilding out of bad theology and poor teachings from my childhood spiritual and religion practices.
While my wonderful family did their best to teach me about Jesus, so much misinformation crept in from churches and outside sources.
It was the time. The 1990’s was ripe with fundamentalism and works-based theology ideas.
And it really messed with me.
But I digress.
Anyhow, last night, it occurred to me that the issue that I’ve been battling has centered around my exhaustion with trying to keep up and be good enough.
And the thought crept in: I will never be good enough. I cannot measure up.
That is a terrifying and exhausting thought. But it also felt good to finally admit that this is how I am feeling.
You see, I’ve dealt with feeling this way in almost every area of my life. And for most of my life, I have been working hard to be seen as good enough, measuring up, fitting in, and someone you can rely on.
But that also made me feel trapped, depressed, and frustrated cause even with everything I’d do, I never felt anything REAL and I never really felt accepted or good enough.
What I want now, more than anything, is the freedom to release and belong just as I am.
I am curious how to get there without succumbing to works-based theology and striving in every area of my life again.
I am hopeful I can get there one day.